Monday, January 17, 2011

The Gracy Globes

Golden Globes, Smolden Globes. Total Snore-fest and not many surprises there etc. The Social Network, Walking Dead blah, blah, blah.

BUT, I KNOW the awards ceremony that you are really waiting for is the Gracy Globes. The categories may be SLIGHTLY different. So here it is folks! My picks for the best film and television of the year.

Check them out after the jump.

The Nominees for "Best Actor in a Drama Series that Makes Women Examine Their Sick Attraction To Bad Boys/Assholes" are:

Jon Hamm as Don Draper, Mad Men
Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins, Friday Night Lights
Michael C. Hall as Dexter, Dexter
Hugh Laurie as Dr. House, House

And the Gracy Globe goes to...

Jon Hamm as Don Draper. What a sexist, cheating asshole! But damn if he don't look good smokin' those cancer sticks and throwin' back that whiskey on the job.

The Nominees for "Best Actress in a Drama Who is WAY More Interesting than the Annoying Leading Actress(es) and I Wish They Had Better Storylines (i.e. Minority Actress)" are:
                               Rutina Wesley as Tara, True Blood
                               Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy
                               Deborah Lacey as Carla, Mad Men
                               Sandra Oh as Dr. Christina Yang, Grey's Anatomy
                               Aasha Davus as Waverly, Friday Night Lights

And the Gracy Globe goes to... 

Rutina Wesley on True Blood. She gets vampire raped, her boyfriend gets killed, and she has to listen to annoying-ass Sookie whine about EVERYTHING. I mean damn, Alan Ball, can you give a sista a break? Give her something to work with.

The Nominees for the "Best HORRIBLE Reality TV Program that Everyone Denies Watching, but the Ratings Are So High That A Lot of Y'all are Lying" Are:
                               Keeping Up With the Kardasians
                               American Idol
                               Jersey Shore
                               The Real Housewives of Atlanta
                               Basketball Wives

And the Gracy Globe goes to...

The Real Housewives of Atlanta!  Drama! Non-singing, wig-wearing, gold-digging Kim Zolniak? Plastic-surgeried, sassy Nene? Convict-loving, boughetto, lying lawyer Phaedra? Fabulous Atlanta gays in fierce high heels? How can you miss this?

The Nominees for Gratuitous Award for The Wire are:
                                 The Wire

And the winner is The Wire! OK, so it hasn't been on the air for several years, but I discovered it in 2010. Best and most under-recognized TV series ever. 'Nuff said. Now y'all have a Gracy Globe! Celebrate, bitches!

The Nominees for the "Best Performance by a Great Actress in an Amazing, Classic Play Made Into a Terrible Film by Tyler Perry" are:

                             Kimberly Elise, For Colored Girls
                             Lorretta Divine, For Colored Girls
                               Phylicia Rashad,  For Colored Girls
                               Anika Noni Rose, For Colored Girls

And the winner is...

Kimberly Elise. Amazing performance that gave me a brief reprieve from the badness of the rest of the movie. It depressed me that this is all we are offering our great Black actresses.

The Nominees for the "Best Film That Shows That Animated Films Are Really For Making Grown-Ass People Cry" are:

Toy Story 3
How To Train Your Dragon
Despicable Me
And the Gracy Globe goes to...

Toy Story 3! Damn it, Pixar! You get me every time. Why you gotta make me think of real meaning of love and childhood and my toys that are in the basement of my parents house that now I must hug. 

The Nominee for the "Best Movie About a Bat-Shit Crazy OCD Ballerina Directed By Darren Aranofsky and Starring Natalie Portman"

Black Swan

Obviously, the Gracy Globe goes to Black Swan, because it was effing amazing and unexpected. 

The last award goes to the "Best Brutally Hot Male Actor in a TV series that Was Cancelled, And Probably Should Have Been, But Gracy Wanted To Stay On the Air Simply So She Could Gawk At His Gorgeousness." The Nominees are:

James Wolk, Lonestar
Julian Morris, My Generation
Boris Kodjoe, Undercovers
Mehcad Brooks, My Generation

And the Gracy Globe goes to...

Fine-ass Boris Kodjoe! I mean well dayum! 

Thanks for tuning in to the Gracy Globes. And let me know what you think of my picks and if there's a category that you think I missed.


1 comment:

  1. lol The Nominee for the "Best Movie About a Bat-Shit Crazy OCD Ballerina Directed By Darren Aranofsky and Starring Natalie Portman"



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